Over the years, we have always had an open bed policy. If you feel scared, are sick or just need a safe, quiet place to be, hop in! Our children have always had their own beds and room. The boys have shared a room up until recently. It was clear our teen son (13) needed some private space of his own. He never hops into bed with us now, beside that rare weekend morning that summons him up the stairs to say good morning to his folks. We now share the converted attic with our 9 year old. We decided on this because of a new need that appeared. As I read the book Encountering the Self by Hermon Koepke, I began to understand more clearly what my child was entering. A whole new level of being, of understanding. This can be scary. All of a sudden the veil is lifted and life appears in all of it's glory and mystery to young eyes. Sometimes these eyes wish they could stay shut. This makes sense to me. Often I don't like what I see either! How many times have I wished I could just go back to sleep, metaphorically. I actually read this book when my oldest was nine. Around ages 8-10 is when this shift typically begins to occur. Children may start to try out more rebellious behavior or may struggle to cooperate. They may begin having social challenges at school and at home. They may begin to feel afraid, of seemingly nothing or everything. They may complain of belly or head aches or other pains in their bodies. It starts to feel like backward motion. I remember thinking, "I thought we were done with this crap!!" But alas, crap it is not! It is a very important right of passage. These children need us more than ever to provide firm yet loving boundaries and guidance. They need to feel we understand. They need our compassion. And they thrive on oral story telling. Often, Colbey will ask for a naughty story from my own childhood. These I find amply, and re-tell them and sometimes add or subtract depending on the issue Colbey seems to be struggling with most. These stories live in him long past the time they are told. I can see them midwifing, supporting and helping his growth. These stories ease the intensity of his experience, or at least they seem to.
So back to the need that initiated this room change. Colbey began to feel scared and wake every night wanting to come into bed with us. So, we set his space up across the way from us. We both have our own spaces. We can't see one another from our rooms, well at least not clearly, so it does feel like there is some privacy. I sit on my bed and read or knit whilst Colbey falls asleep. Then, in the middle of the night, when the call comes " mama, can i come into your bed", the answer is easy. YES! He trit trots over and jumps in. Usually just for the wee morning hours.
I feel happy that our bed can be so flexible. It can open and shut and open up again, if we need. I feel so good knowing what Colbey is going through. I understand where he is at, developmentally speaking, and I know right now is an intensive, temporary time. The needs of our boys will continue to exist and evolve as they grow. I think, just like the birth process, it is helpful to remember that we can do anything for a temporary period of time, no matter the challenge, the pain, or the physical exhaustion. Am I worried that I will have two 20 something boys sleeping in beg with my husband and I? Nope. I mean, really? We don't see many healthy human adults still wearing diapers. Eventually, these things end. It is no easy task taking this route. It means educating ones self, making sacrifices, and doing things you don't feel like doing! But in the end, I really believe it is worth it. My two boys are all the proof I need.
The key to this program is to figure out how to get self care in! It is really the only way to survive!! Perhaps this will be the topic I talk about next!
Do any readers have any experience with an extended family bed? Are there readers who are done raising their children who could speak to the end results of family bed? We'd love to hear from you!!
So family bed once again, looks that way! This time, minus the nursing!! Makes a big difference!!
Blessings and encouragement,
Stephanie
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