My son woke me up for the 6th time last night.. "mama milk, please." I let him know milky's were sleeping he wailed, "mama milkey's please." I felt like I was going to loose my mind. My daughter tossing and turing while trying to sleep through the loud noises coming from her brother...I stuck a boob in his mouth. I felt horrible that my daughter wasn't getting the right kind of sleep she needed b/c of her brother. Normally my husband takes Grey into the spare room, aka her bedroom while I sleep with Phoenix, but last night Dan worked early and I had both kids. I yelled at Phoenix a couple times before my daughter turned and interjected,"take a deep breath mama, it's going to be okay." I felt like such a horrible, crazy mother once again, I constantly feel that way these days. What should I do? I believe in the family bed. We have had the family bed since Grey was born. I want to do the right thing, but this can't be good. A mama who extremely tired b/c of the lack of sleep plus dealing with cranky kids b/c they are not getting the sleep they need. I was wedged between the two kids and if I moved even one finger Phoenix would turn around and want more milk and I couldn't handle that. My nipples, raw and ready to fall off, I just sat there thinking.."I feel hopeless right now."
I love being with my kids, I love nursing, but I can't do this 6-12 time nursing at night anymore. After I got out of bed today I decided I am done!! I can't do the family bed anymore. Really it's just I can't nurse all night anymore, but with that comes the rerouting of the family bed. Right now we have a king and a queen bed put together to make one giant bed. After I night wean Phoenix I plan to take the queen out and buy a trundle bed for the kids and they can sleep there. I love the thought of the whole family together, I just need some space and sleep! Once both can sleep through the night, I would like to introduce a trundle bed for the two of them in our room. Is this going to work? I don't know, but if I don't change something in my life I am going to looooooosssseeee my mind! Quick change is what I want! I hate transitions, I loathed the work involved in changing one's life..it's HARD!! I don't have family here, it seems like my husband works non stop so once again it comes down to me..I have to make this change by myself and it's going to suck!
The reason why I haven't tried to make this shift in our lives is that I am so tapped out I don't feel like I have the energy to have a couple bad nights to night wean my son. They say it only takes a couple nights...knowing my luck that won't happen. My daughter weaned herself when she was around 2 1/2 years old. Grey never nursed as much as Phoenix, maybe b/c I was pregnant and my milk supply wasn't really there, maybe Nix just likes BOOBS :) From my mother to my chiropractor sleep seems to be the common demoninator "preached" to me. The lack of sleep is why I have headaches, is why I have anexity, is why I am on edge all the time, sleep..seems to be the answer to all my "problems", I should say lack there of. I am tapped out b/c I don't get enough sleep so what the hell am I thinking? Why is it so hard for me to make this next step? This is going to benefit the whole family and I can't seem to pick my feet up and do it!
My babies are growing up, the thought of them sleeping alone or not needing me makes me sad. There are no more babies in the Johnson future so this is it. NO MORE NURSING after Phoenix. This is a sick and twisted way of thinking, but it's where I am. I want so badly to listen to every thing and everyone around me pushing me to reflect on this situation and make my move. I am afraid of doing it all alone. I feel like everything comes down to me and I am tired of that too! I want support and help! I sometimes just want to hang up the mothering coat and put on the daddy coat!1 The daddy coat seams to be a little more fun, a little easier and the daddy coat looks well rested!!
Today is the day though, I think I am going to take that plunge! I am going to night wean my baby boy and see what happens. My husband has the next three days off and this is the time! "Take a deep breath mama,everything will be okay." It's amazing what profound advice can be given from a 3 year old!
Oh Shannon! My heart aches for you! I'm so sorry things are rough right now. I'm agreeing with your mom and chiropractor about the sleep thing...sleep heals a world of stress. You have to do what's right for your family right now. We co-sleep with our babies until it stops working. Once we aren't getting sleep, and they aren't either, it doesn't work and we move onto the next thing. there are seasons for everything friend. I wish I had real answers but all I can give you is encouragement that this too is a season, it will change/grow/pass. try and take a deep breath and look at the big picture. i know your kids will be so blessed when they look back at the precious time and sacrifice you gave/made for them.
ReplyDeleteOh I'm so sorry! I have been right there though! We co-sleep because it's easier and wonderful! As soon as it stops being that---they're in their own beds. Right before I weaned my last baby she was so needy and whiney and couldn't go more than an hour without nursing-it's the only thing she wanted to do. As soon as she was weaned (we did it fast) she was the happiest baby ever! It's so hard to describe to others but I just knew it was time. I was more than willing to go longer but that's what was right for us. I agree--you just have to do what works for your sweet family! Sending prayers for strength to push through the next thing--whatever you decide that is! P.S. I love your honesty! LOL!
ReplyDeleteShannon,
ReplyDeleteFirst, since when do you have a blog? Where have I been? Second, and more importantly, you are an EXCELLENT mother!! (and friend) : )
I know that the family bed is really important to you and I respect that. But, girl, you all deserve a good nights sleep. You are a wonderful Momma that provides your children with with all that they need. You need to give yourself more credit!!!!
This makes my Momma heart swell... we love our kids soooo freakin' much!! I am here for you and support whatever decision you make. I love you unconditionally.
Sounds like you just made a huge decision...now Team Johnson just needs to be strong and muscle through the next couple of days!
ReplyDeleteAnd your kids are so awesome that if you stage this as a big adventure, who knows...maybe it will be kind of fun and different and take the edge off. ; ) Then again, I'm just an auntie, so what do I know?! Ha! Regardless, just want to send you a virtual hug and let you know that I'll be praying for your guys over the next couple of days/nights.
XOXO!
Thank you all for your kind words! I know this is just a season of my life...it's just hard sometimes to see the light at the end of the tunnel. I love co-sleeping and am so thankful that I have been able to do it for this long. I just hope I can stay strong and not stick a boob in Nix's mouth :) AHH..wish me luck!
ReplyDeleteJust for the record I don't plan to stop breast feeding...just night time feedings..I am not willing to give it all up yet :)
transition is hard! i did not want bodie out of our bed - he was such a cuddly snuggly wonderful baby...but bryan was like, OUT! it affected our marriage a lot...but once i did and i honored him and made him the priority, it made our family a stronger, better one! oh - yeah - and he slept through the night FINALLY - and i wasnt super cranky...but it was hard...but what isn't that is worth it?
ReplyDeletethis time around with bobby...i too want our last baby to stay in our bed, but bobby seems to prefer his own place :( its sad when our babies grow up faster than we can keep up!
its sleep, but its also the hormones. nursing mamas have these crazy hormones. they bond us to our babies in amazing beautiful ways...but they also make us a little crazy too - the joy of being a woman!
i agree with erin - once it stops being beneficial to you as a mom and a family then a new "normal" needs to be found and embraced. You will keep the spirit of the family bed by opening yourselves to your kids and nourishing them when they need it through the night (just different ways than with mama's milk!)
good luck lady! you will be in my prayers!