Not A Mothers Job!

Last night was my second night "night weaning" Phoenix. I am praying tonight goes a little smoother then the past two nights. The first night I had Dan take Grey into her room to sleep and I stuck it out with Nix. I really didn't know what my expectations were going into this new venture, but I knew I was not excited. The night began with me nursing him to sleep like normal, I'm not wiling to give that one up. I couldn't sleep in anticipation of what the night was going to bring me. I returned to the room to lay down at midnight. The moment my body touched the sheets Nix started to move around. Either this kid has the worst timing or this boy can smell mama milk 10 feet away. It was like he knew his mama was there. I watched him roll around while talking in his sleep. Five minutes later he started smacking his lips...I knew it was going to be just a little bit longer before the question.

Sitting up, Phoenix looked around for his me. Our eyes locked and he asked for mama milk. I let him know that milky's were sleeping. Never hearing that before he crawled over to me and asked again. I said "no mama milky's, they are sleeping." he started to cry, tugging at my shirt "mama milky's", he said louder and more demanding. I stayed strong. I got up and changed his diaper then rocked him while I softly sang into his sweet little ear. He didn't like that too much. Still crying I let him know everything was going to be ok. 20 mintutes passed and my back was killing me. At this time he had placed his head on my shoulder, his body slowly went limp. I thought we were good, I could put him back down. I was thinking to myself that "if this is the hard part I can totally do it!" I got on the bed and started rocking him again. Slowly I placed him down...he woke up and started screaming "mama milk." CRAP! I could't hold him anymore because my back, so I laid next to him telling him "mama's here, you're going to be ok."

Nothing I did seemed to help or calm him down. I tried to rub his back, pet his little head, everything..."mama NO." All he wanted was milk. An hour went by and I was slowly loosing it. My mama heart was already broken and I wanted to swoop in and save him! "Screw this, I can totally be sleep deprived for a couple more years..I will just pray more that I can keep it together." There were noises coming from that boy I never heard before. I thought something was seriously wrong. I scooted him closer and stuck my boob in his mouth. I couldn't take it anymore. The look on his face while nursing, there are no words. He seemed so content, experiencing true bliss and comfort. He woke up a couple times after that and I was able to just put him to sleep.

Last night, the second try...I told Dan that he could sleep with Phoenix, but I changed my mind last minute. Seeing your baby cry is easier then hearing your baby cry. Dan was willing and able to take the next shift, I just couldn't traumatize Nix anymore then I feel like I have. When he wakes up and wants mama milk, knowing he wasn't going to get it, but on top of it his mama isn't there...I couldn't. I got a cup of coconut milk on hand to offer it to him, substituting it for mama milk. I got this idea from my sweet friend Hayke who did that with both her babies. She would tell them they couldn't have mama milk, but that she would hold them while they drank tea or almond milk. I figured "why not" I would give it a try.

The night started like the night before, I nursed Phoenix to sleep. Instead of sleeping on the other side of the bed, I slept right were I always sleep, right next to him. Nix only woke up two times between 8:30p to 5:45a. He asked for mama milk and before I could say anything he fell back to sleep. 5:45a he woke up asking for it, I said "mama milk is sleeping." He was not happy and the crying began. I guess he was really loud because 10 minutes later Dan came in asking if he could take over. I sat there with Nix "hyper ventalating", I looked at Dan and said.."it's technically morning, I told him he could have some in the morning...I can nurse him..right?" Dan agreed and he went back to bed. I nurseed my little munch and he was happy.

Am I doing this the right way? I have no idea what I'm doing, but this is all I can do right now. I am not one to let my baby cry it out, putting himself in a state of depression because he feels abandoned. Is this hard for me....you bet your ass it is! I will keep going, I don't like it, but I'll keep going! I believe with all my heart this is NOT A JOB FOR A MOTHER!! My heart aches every time and it's the hardest thing to do, watching your baby, listening to the sweet voice asking for one thing and one thing only..then not giving it to him. UGH!! Where is that "daddy coat" when I need it? :). Thanks for all the encouraging words and prayers.