Life in the Fast Lane!

Just kissed the boys ( at least in my heart and mind, because both of them are now too old to be kissed in front of other people, I have been informed.) out the door. Carpool whisked them off to another busy school day. So the day begins for me as well. Because of my sweet and lovely neighbor and fellow Mama, a few mornings per week I can stay in the warmth of my house and reclaim a little time. Which is why I chose to sit here, this morning. I was going to journal, but decided maybe I should show up here every once in a while for a visit. Over the river and sort of through the woods, well okay, through the park in which some evergreen have been spared, my boys go. I am left here to reflect. I opened an email from a green living yahoo group. The group was talking about homeschooling and bed time. Post after post spoke of the joy of listening to the natural rhythms of the body, allowing their children to wake in the morning when they are ready, rather than being woken. This is one thing I have always hated about sending my children to school vs. keeping them home.

In our early days, keeping them home seemed natural and easy. In practice, it was mostly so. There were challenging times, but more often, there were times of freedom and joy. I miss those times. The best part was that it did feel like a space of honoring each child's individuality and uniqueness. Of course, it was mostly one on one. I could intuit what and when needed to happen for my boy. When he needed to get outside, or eat, or pee! He felt he could do all of these things as he needed to. We were in nature quite a lot. Not only moving our bodies, but breathing fresh air and visiting with plants and animals, enjoying the sense of awe and joy that brings.

We do less of that now. Breathing deeply now, I sigh. We live in the city. A great city! Probably one of the best to live in. But it is a city. Why does it seem to have this magnetic pull on me, keeping me from the nearby oceans, rivers, streams and forests? I recently watched a short clip on youtube about a self sustainable family, living in the country, in a beautiful little cottage they had built. This sweet little place was complete with cob walls and a luxury composting toilet. It was amazing. What brought the couple together, was the interest in finding a bit of land to keep sheep. The house was actually really quite beautiful, not a shack by any means. Though it was rustic and environmentally sound, there was a beauty unmatched by any city home. They were off grid. What a concept. I swear, it was like the sun was shining all around this family. They themselves were gleaming. This reminded me of my heart"s longing. Part of me is also attracted to city life; the shops, the culture, the night life, the coffee shops and natural food stores, galore. The eco-boutiques and bike shops and book stores and libraries and spas and food and Ruby Jewel Ice Cream shop. But it feels a little hollow.

Bringing me back to the start; waking the boys up in the morning to begin the mini rat race. The preparation for entering the hustle and bustle begins. I think of the things my boys are working with. Sitting in classes they don't always enjoy. Being inside more than out. Wishing they had all of the latest technological gadgets. Comparing and measuring themselves to their peers. Feeling like they come up short in some areas and being told so. Is this just what school is like? Is it part of the needed conditioning? Or not? I just wonder and ponder. I think we have chosen the best educational philosophy for our family. I am extremely grateful for the option of Waldorf education. I think it caters to educating the whole child and seeks to foster a balanced child into young adulthood. However, there is still that yearning to break free from this structure. It is not structure I want to be free of. In fact, I see tremendous benefit in form. But this waking your children thing really made me turn a bit introspective.

I was actually going to write this morning about gratitude, and so I think I will. Even though I may not be in a little cob house that is so friendly to me and Mama Earth, though I am not free to travel and explore and learn with my children at any given, spontaneous moment, I do not have sheep or land or unlimited time with my children and family, I am grateful. I watched out the window last night as my boys jumped rope. Colbey's teacher assigned this for homework ( smart lady) and it brought my boys together in a moment of joy, leading myself to a moment of joy. My sweet Colbey is connecting with a new boy in his class. His mother is very kind! Most of all, Colbey feels he can be himself and has fun with him. Christian is blossoming into a fine young man, who is still loving and kind and communicative and mostly respectful, and funny! I have a warm little house, with chickens and I am going to walk to the co-op to get some parsley for my soup in a moment. I can hear a bird singing and I saw some snowdrops blooming down the street. My husband has a job. I have a wonderful job working with the most lovely people. I get to be with small children every day, inviting me to continually seek my highest, most loving self, bringing me to laughter, almost constantly. I am able to see my boys through out the day by working at their school. We live 10 min from a Waldorf school. We can always pull hard against this magnetic field of a city and decide to visit nature more often and need to. And we can. It is accessible. The grandfather and grandmother guardian evergreens that stand watch through out this city are magnificent and a gift. So there, a meander down Stephanie lane, the musing of a mother. I continue to really meditate on balance this year. I think it's my theme.

What's your theme right now? What old ways are you returning to and thinking about releasing during this full moon time?

SUPERWOMAN

As Christmas came, I promised you all that my sister and I would be blogging like crazy...OOPS! Sitting down trying to come up with something to say to all our "followers", all I can think of are all the hardcore mommy's out there. The mama's who blog every day, who get paid to blog, mama's who start a business while raising small children. The mom's who seem to have the time to do it all...SUPERWOMEN!! It has taken me over 4 days just to attempt to finish this post, I am no SUPERWOMAN. I don't know how women do it? To not only find the time, but to then muster up energy to put creative thought into any extra curricular activities. I must have missed that class that taught women to be able to do it all while having their sanity still intact!

I know for myself just raising two toddlers and taking care of a house and all that, that entails wipes me out! To find time to cultivate relationships, spend time with my husband, take time for myself, let a lone anything else...WHAT, what is that? I pour all of me into my children and my home. When I get a moment I just want to sit and disconnect from life. Sitting in a clean, silent room is all I want. NO, "mommy", "honey can you", "wipe"... silence, to just be able to be me for a brief moment.

I look at these women a little envious and jealous that they can do all that they do. Each day I feel as though pieces of who I am are being lost. I never pictured motherhood/stay home mamahood so isolating and lonely. I knew I wanted to be a stay home mother when the time came. I feel as though that is a huge gift you can give your kids and I wanted to do that for them. No one told me that unless you are SUPERWOMAN, you would feel worthless daily.

In our culture, we go,go go! Every man for himself mentality. Time is money people. I look around at the men and women who have fallen victim to this and I have to admit...I am one of them, or I was. What happened to "it takes a village to raise a child"? Mothers,grandmothers,great-grandmothers, neighbors all raised each other's children. Family values were different. It wasn't about "who had the biggest or best" it was about spending time with, taking a moment to. I believe we need to SIMPLIFY our lives. Our consumer culture has sucked us into this dilution of thinking happiness comes from things. That our kids are loved if we buy them..xyz. We are good parents if we make lots of money and can provide the best way of life for our children. WHAT THE HELL? We really have bought into that lie? I am reading a book called Living Simply with Children: A Voluntary Simplicity Guide for Moms,Dads, and Kids Who Want to Reclaim the Bliss of Childhood and the Joy of Parenting by Marie Sherlock. This book has awakened me to what really matters, our children. Simplicity is what we all really need in life. It's a process, but if we can go back to the drawing board and reconfigure what family and raising children really should look like, I think those tired, warn down mothers and fathers will slowly become alive again. Those over stimulated, over stressed children will be able to experience what childhood should really be. You don't have to be superwoman to be a good mom. You can put the pieces back together because you haven't lost who you are... you have just been misguided. Reclaim the bliss and the joy of parenting! Having kids and being a mother, to me has become a job. A job that I have to do not that I want to do. How I feel people view mothers (especially stay home moms) are that we have it easy. We don't work, we just watch soaps all day eating bon bons. I have been swallowed up by the mainstream way of thinking, that being a mother is easy and I should be SUPERWOMAN. If I'm not, I'm not doing something right. I say SCREW mainstream and I choose to reclaim this amazing opportunity to mold and shape these beautiful children. Being a parent is not a job, it's a gift. We need to get back to that mentality. Going one step further, we really need to support each other. It takes a village, people!

I may never be that mother who blogs every day and I'm ok with that. My sister and I created this blog to share not only information on key parenting topics, recipes and how to save a buck, but we also created this blog to share with others our struggles and our triumphs of mothering. This is it! Raw and real. I know we said we would be doing this daily, I look at my life and am so overwhelmed, I don't know if daily is going to work right now. I hope you all stick with us because we are passionate mothers who care, just not SUPERWOMEN :)